Hurt is bad, pain is good. Like a mantra. Hurt is bad, pain is good. That's what I've gotten from five years of psychotherapy and I'm going to throw it all away. No big loss, is it? This one wants to hurt me, he told me so. But he's willing to negotiate over pie.Maybe he won't like me. There's always that, although neither of us believes it. We've spent too much time talking and found too many things in common. The question of me liking him never came up, at least not to me. Not until now. How easy it is to slip into the old me. I stand in front of my mirror, naked and twisting and turning, and admiring how she still fits. I imagine I can see the old cuts; the old scars when they were fresh and new. The soft scabs that washed away in the bathtub, leaving soft pink and white baby flesh beneath. I miss that. I haven't cut myself in six months. The last time was November twelfth. It was the last time I made love to myself.Riding the bus, always the bus. Riding with old people and punks,. . arousing. And I was just getting all ... well ... turned on and messy down there ... I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you off. You must think I’m terrible, or something, that I’m somehow strange or perverted...”“No, I don’t think that at all,” I replied. “I’ve never had a reaction to talking about networks like that before though. At least, not that I know of! Maybe that’s why some of my students rate my lectures so high!”“Oh, God! If I was in one of your classes ... I would be a puddle on the floor!” she said. “I think it’s your accent, your voice, too; there’s something very sexy about your voice, it’s almost like you are singing.”“I know when I first started lecturing,” I said, “I made a real effort to speak clearly, not to run my words together, like so many Australians do. Probably because all of my music experience, when I am up in front of a class, it’s like I’m singing on stage. But ... I do apologise, I didn’t meant to get you all worked up like that.”“No, don’t be sorry,.
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